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Tale 7 - Brides and Groomers

When Dad said "Sam your going for a groom" my brother thought it was his lucky day. Sam not being the sharpest knife in the box thought if he was the groom, then the bride must be his lost love and soul mate Ellie.
You'll remember Sam had given his heart to Ellie, only for her to run off and leave him stranded on the beach at the end of their holiday romance.
Now me, I know what groom really means, and it's no honeymoon believe me, being combed, clipped and brushed.
Too late the heartbroken Sam realised his mistake - something for the weekend Sam? - in your dreams boy............

Tale 8 - Party Poopers

It's been party time at our house. Lots to eat and chocolate birthday cake with candles. Tried to grab a slice for Sam and me, but got caught "red pawed" on the table.
Best of all I like the birthday presents and have been known to raid the contents before they're given.
Tried to help out with the opening by tearing the paper, but then the games started. First we played tug-o-war, then pass the parcel, finally piggy-in-the-middle. If only I could just jump a little higher or Cousin David's arms weren't quite so long..........

Tale 9 - Twas the Night Before Christmas.........

"If you're good boys Santa will come on Christmas Eve and bring you what you wish for" said Dad. So Sam was good and had a bath and I tried not to steal a thing.
I wished for a whole turkey to myself, whilst Sam as usual wished for a girl. We waited and waited but Santa never appeared and we nodded off.
Next morning there were our presents, but no turkey for me and no girl for Sam, just low-calorie treats for us both.
Whatever happened to good boys wishes coming true? No more nice guys for us, out went Sam and got himself covered in mud and me, well I just stole the sandwiches.........next year Santa we'll make our own arrangements.

Tale 10 - Surfin' Sam

Trying to get my head round this computing lark, want to learn how to surf the net. No more lapdog for me, now I'm a laptop dog.
I'm especially interested in internet dating, far better to see the girls on screen first, instead of turning up to find your blind date is a real dog. My chat up lines are improving all the time. George wants me to try online shopping. This is the best clicker training, fill your shopping cart with all those treats and goodies then click and they're all ours.
Keep your real surfing Big Kahuna George, with this kind I'm home and dry.

Tale 11 - Why Do Only Fools and Horses Work?

We have gone into the commodities business. I am the ducking and diving, wheeler dealer, ideas man and my brother is the innocent looking, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth fall guy.
Just pulled off a great scam. Mum was tucking into a KFC take-out with fries - luvly jubbly. So this is how it worked, Sam trod on Mum's bunion causing a diversion whilst I made off with the fries. Me I got myself a tasty mouthful - Sam got an ear bashing - what a plonker. Anyone want to buy a second hand three wheeler.....

Tale 12 - Gone Fishin'

Spring is here and we set off for our favourite walk by the riverbank. Sam as usual was busy piddling about, whilst I had bigger fish to fry.
Feeling like a spot of refreshment, I headed to my usual watering hole for a favourite tipple, only to find it taken over by a man with a long rod in his hand.
"Sling your hook" I said to him "this is my spot", but he was too busy waving his stick around. The only way to get this chap's attention I decided was to wrap myself in his line. He gave me such a dirty look, well he can go fish - teach him to trespass on my patch again.

Music - Fishing Blues